Cocaine Toilet

I used a cocaine toilet the other day.

I like those words next to each other.  They sound like an album title.

“Yeah, I remember playing the Horse & Groom in Tiverton… …would’ve been around March ’74.  Then we released ‘Cocaine Toilet’ and it was like, whoa – they had to put us in the Town Hall the next time we played Tiverton.”

Sorry, it’s a bit early in the blog for a diversion.

Cocaine toilets, as I like to call them, are the public conveniences that are doused in blue UV lighting.  I say public because I’ve never seen one in the home of an acquaintance.  Either they don’t suspect me of class A drug use or they can’t afford to implement a deterrent.

What exactly are the owners of these establishments hoping to achieve by illuminating slapdash drug users?  I’m not complaining – using a hand drier that has a UV light attached is good fun if only because it makes it the white bits of the nails look really white.

But if you want to deter cocaine use I think it would be more effective to publicise a) the criminal sanctions that can result from cocaine possession, and b) the number of South Americans who have died so our user can make sure he doesn’t fall asleep in a nightclub.

Having a facility to emphasise that an occupant of a public toilet is using cocaine seems neutered by the fact that anyone willing to use cocaine in a public toilet appears only too willing to advertise the fact that they’re doing so.  The toilet-dwelling drug users I’ve encountered might as well be doing an audio commentary on their actions, or relaying their activities to a hearing impaired friend; so blatant do they make them.

“Hi.  What?  No, just taking some drugs in a toilet.  Yeah, a toilet.  What are you up to?  Really?  Small world!  Has it got a blue light in it?  Mine has.  Anyway, got to go, I’ve got more drugs to take in this toilet.  Yeah, my bag of drugs has a bit left in it.”

And what do the proprietors of these blue-toileted venues expect to happen?  They usually don’t have staff in their toilet.  The venues that do are either incredibly posh or incredibly not posh.

While we’re on the subject, the use of a valet in the toilet of a Walkabout or a Yates fascinates me.  Of all the trappings of luxury and refinement that they could have chosen to adopt, they went for the bloke in the toilet with you.  Not adequate seating, immediate service or floors that aren’t like flypaper.  A bloke in the toilet.  Thanks, shit bars.  What on earth are they thinking?

“Hey, I’ve got an idea for our shit bar.  Let’s give someone some mints and a bottle of CK One, put him in the worst room in this whole building, and then have him talk to men while they’re urinating.

“And, just to make things even more uncomfortable, let’s make sure that the man we employ to do this is always a first generation economic migrant whose first language is not English.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t think men have enough on their mind in the toilet of a violent bar without being talked at and made to experience post-colonial guilt.”

So, in the absence of a member of staff to record whether drug men and women (as I believe they’re known) appear like snowmen under the UV lights, do these establishments expect me to keep watch while I’m having a wee?  Because I’ll be honest with you: looking for specs of bright light on the forearms of fellow toilet-occupants is not on my bucket list.

And if I do happen to notice that a man has cocaine on his Ben Sherman shirt what should I do?  Aside from pointing out to the gentlemen that his delivery technique is clearly lacking, am I expected to dob him in?

“Ah-ha!  You’ve got cocaine on you!  That means you’re a drugman!  Drugman!  Drugman!  Everybody look at the drugman!”

A better facility would be a light that illuminates arseholes in public toilets.  If someone were a dick they’d be lit up like a candle for all to see.  Although that would make sunglasses a necessity in the toilets of Walkabout and Yates.

Joke Of The Day

I watched a video of what I thought was a tadpole orgy.  Turns out it was frogs’ porn.